Hello Loves and Happy Wednesday! My hope is that you’ve been well, as you wait and prepare for the holidays!
My last post as you know was about things you could tell your younger self, and I wanted to continue it a bit more and get a little more personal.
On this one, first off all, my inspiration and source of idea for this post is from a fellow blogger, Joan Wachia, she has a blog called Finding God with Joan, please feel free to check it out here, she has a really beautiful way of telling stories and expressing her thoughts, you just want to keep reading and reading!
Anyway, the way this post will look like, is a letter from my future self (me, right now) to my younger self. I hope my memory cooperates with me as we flow, so let’s get into it!
Dear Younger Bertina,
0-3 years
Oh wow, you barely remember this time of your life, because you were just a baby, and you can just go by what people say you were like. Your mum says that you were born really small, 2.5kgs to be exact! You were an easy baby, quiet, gentle and always followed your mother EVERYWHERE lol. I’m guessing your family came up with your nickname at this time, that they still call you to this day, even though now you’re a grown woman.:)
3-13 years
Ah! It’s time to start going to school. You loved your kindergarten, since it was a short walk from home, the teachers were nice, the studies were fun and you had naps every day. You also were a smart kid, and joined pre-unit before most kids. You also made your first bff, I think her name was Michelle? And, had your first crush. You barely remember him now, just he had this white lunch box for a brand of chocolate spread that was popular back in the day, like today’s Nutella , he had curly, shiny hair and he was cayuuute! You just don’t remember if you had any conversations. And you also don’t remember his name now lol.
It’s now time to join primary, you join the same school your older sister was in. In the final exams for class one, you were number one and received a prize during prize giving day. It was a Nakumatt voucher for sh.1000 I think, ballinnn’ right? It was such an exciting time. That was the first and only time you were number one in your class hehe! But don’t worry, you always kept your grades up and were among the top students most of the time :)
Primary was a rollercoaster, many ups and downs. You made many friends, lost many, got into trouble sometimes, went for birthday parties and were simply allowed to be a kid. I remember once you and your friends decided to form a ‘girl group’ which had a name, with bracelets and all, and sometimes you used to perform in front of the class. You really had audacity back then huh?! It was really fun though.
You had a particular friend during this time, who was hot and cold with you, but you still stayed by their side because you didn’t know better. You didn’t understand why they used to be nice one second and super moody the next, and kept questioning yourself, if something was wrong with you. Well, first off, chin up, you weren’t perfect, but most of what was happening was what was going on with them, and had nothing to do with you. People come from different homes and have had different experiences and traumas, and they don’t know how to handle it, because they are young like you. Don’t worry though, it won’t always be like that.
You used to really struggle with Math, and your teacher was hard on you. Many are the times you would cry in frustration, wondering what was wrong with you, but you kept on practicing and doing your best, until one day you scored 100% in your exam and were the top student in class in Math. You really wanted to tell your teacher ‘in your face!’ lol, but you accepted the victory graciously and kept it classy :)
Primary ended, and then came high school.
14-17 years
You’re finally in high school! And think it’s going to be like in the movies and t.v shows but noooo lol. You stayed in the same primary for the full 8 years, and now you’re in a new high school, and you’re the new kid. The first two-ish years felt like you had one foot in, one foot out, because the initial plan was to join a boarding school, but that ended up not working out. Being in a day school was a bit hectic, but you were able to handle it pretty well, had made friends and your grades were good.
You were also starting to grow and find your identity. At the time, you just wanted to be pretty and popular, but you always felt like you didn’t fit in, mostly because of your looks. You began feeling insecure because you were tall and had acne, so you chose to concentrate on your studies. Your hard work paid off, but you constantly struggled with body image and loneliness. You would never say you were beautiful. Don’t worry though, that will change :).
When you were in your third year, your family went through a lot, but God came through. It was going to be a tough journey ahead, but you made it. You barely remember your final year, and regret not enjoying it more. Due to what was going on in your family, you chose to work really hard on your studies, to the point of abandoning yourself. It was books, books, books all the time, which wasn’t healthy. You were constantly on edge and began to experience anxiety. You never understood it when the Kardashians said it, but now, you got it.
After you finished, you were super exhausted and burnt out, and once the results came out, you were disappointed and heart broken, you worked super hard and scored a B- only. The year 2016 would go down your memory as one of the worst and hellish years of your life.
18-19 years
Now you’re done with high school, what next? Campus, but it’s not that exciting because you failed to qualify for the course you wanted, so you end up going for the most final option…which you get, in a school that was not as widely known as it is now back then.
Oh well, let’s finish the computer course first. You start going to town by yourself and know your way, even though you got lost so many times hehe. You also begin to experience something called cat-calling, which is SUPER ANNOYING AND DISRESPECTFUL. It’s confusing though, in high school, you never experienced this, you would never think you were attractive but now, things a different. You blame yourself for a while, but you’re like, ‘hold up, wait a minute’ your style of dressing is simply for comfort and have always been conservative, as your personal preference and not because of anything else, but still in a t-shirt and jeans, or even covered up from head to toe, it still happens, not only to me, but to women all around the world. You realize, that that behavior is their problem and not yours, and they have a personal responsibility to check themselves and control themselves and not see the need to whistle and make disgusting remarks anytime they see a woman walking, living her life and minding her business, and that was that. You take your power back.
During this time, you experience depression for the first time and struggle through life for a while. But this was the set up for you to get to know God and have a personal relationship with Him. On the 20th of July 2017, you give your life to Christ, and become part of a beautiful Godly community with the most wonderful people you’ve ever met.You not only have a relationship with God now, but you also know yourself more than ever, you begin to heal from your childhood wounds and traumas, He heals and delivers you from depression, you have purpose, you have a ton of friends and people to guide and disciple you in your faith, life is good! And, in the campus that you joined, you’ll find great roommates and you’ll enjoy your studies, and you’ll also enjoy being away from home for the first time, at least during the week lol.
This new life isn’t easy though. Not many people understand why you’re so crazy about God all of a sudden. ‘You’re always talking about Him, You’re always posting about Him, and you’re always going to fellowship’, they’ll say, but you take it gracefully and keep going anyway. You know better than anyone that it is only because of God you are who you are today, and nothing that you do could ever be enough to thank Him for what He’s done, but yet He still delights in what you can give Him. He has your devotion now, and you never want to go back to where you were before.
20-22 years
You aren’t a child no more, it’s time to grow up and be an adult. The year that you turn 20 will be the ghettooo. Probably even tougher than 2016. It’s different now that you are in God, because you understand now that these are trials and God is using them to strengthen your faith and make you strong. He’s building you up to be a warrior and a strong force for His kingdom, none of that gummy-bear Christianity. 2019 starts off well, until around March. You decide to make the difficult but right decision to obey and serve God no matter what. It will be like all hell has broken loose. You will cry…A LOT. It’s going to seem like its trial, after trial and you can never seem to catch a break. People will leave you, you’ll have to take on more responsibility that will significantly stretch your capacity, and you’ll go through two very painful friendship breakups. This will go on until the end of the year, but you will come out of it, alive at least.
2020 rolls around, people are excited for the new decade, but not you. You’re just trying to catch your breath from the previous year. The pandemic hits, and now your home, with a lot of time in your hands. You can finally begin to heal and process through all that has happened. You’ve changed, a lot. God heals you and begins to give you vision and dreams for the future. You lay down the leadership role you took up in ministry, and begin a blog. It remains between you and God for a couple of months, and in April 2021, you make it public. You’re still figuring out many things, but it’s fun, it’s blessed, you’re becoming bolder, you’re becoming the woman God has created you to be, you are embracing your authenticity and saying yes to the purpose God has called you to accomplish for His glory. To create, to help, to inspire.
You have experienced trauma with community, and have been unlearning so much about some aspects of Faith, Christianity, Theology and such, which has been beautiful and humbling. The journey is so confusing and you may feel lost at times, but don’t forget that God is with you, He’s patiently walking through this with you. You’ve been studying your bible more than ever, which is really good and I hope you’ll continue in the discipline. In time, He will bring people around you to help you heal even more.
And Now…
You have finished school and done really well. You’re patiently waiting for graduation, as you trust God and release faith in the next steps He has you taking. Your circle of friends is smaller now, but the quality is superior. You realize that some friendships are seasonal, or contextual and that’s ok. It’s onwards and upwards from here on out, you can only imagine what God has for you next, He holds your future in His hands, which is the safest place to be :)
I end with this;
For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and bring no harm, to give you a hope and a future
Jeremiah 29:11
Really hope you’ve enjoyed this one loves! I’ll see you next time :)
Xoxo.
BK
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