Friendships can be a tricky subject, but they don't always have to be. Here are six things I know.
Hello there and welcome to yet another blog post :). I am so delighted to have you here and I hope this post will be a blessing to you.
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Now, to today’s topic.
When it comes to friendships, I am sure most of us have stories upon stories of different experiences in our friendships. Friendships can be a touchy subject to talk about because most of us have unfortunately not had a good experience. Either we were the bad friend (because let's be honest, sometimes we are the problem), or someone was a bad friend to us.
Based on some of my own experiences, I have come up with six things that I know about friendships.
I feel like I have just scratched the surface on this topic, and I know there’s a lot more to learn down the road. But for now, here’s what I know;
1. Not everyone is your friend
One of the most important things you need to learn in life is to place people in your life, in the right place. Mislabeling someone in your life may set you up for unmet expectations and disappointments.
Here’s what I mean. When you say someone is your friend, subconsciously, there are certain expectations you will have of them in your head/heart. Such that when you are let down, you’re surprised that they would do or not do something for you, because in your mind, they're your friend.
How I conclude that someone is my friend, I examine if I have a relationship with them outside of the context we met in.
Like, if it’s my classmate, these are some of the questions I would ask myself to determine if I would consider them a friend, or just a classmate;
Do we speak outside of class time or just when we run into each other in school?
Do we talk about other things aside from school stuff?
Do I enjoy this person’s company?
Do I even like this person?
Do we have things in common? What interests and values do we share?
Give people their rightful titles, so that you have the right expectations from them.
Refer to someone as your classmate, client, neighbor, work colleague, etc. It’s okay.
Not everyone is your friend :).
2. Your friendships don’t have to be THAT hard
This, I learned this year. As we grow older and become adults, I am sure most of us are learning that life gets difficult. According to me, I think your friendships should never, or rarely be one of the main things that stress you out.
I think that your friendships should be a haven. As a safe place to vent, laugh, loosen up, and just be you.
If you are having issues, it should be you and your friend against the issue.
Not you, or your friend who is the issue.
Do you feel me?
3. Know when to promote, demote or cut off completely
I was watching this video by Breeny Lee on friendships, and she mentioned this point, which spoke to me.
The truth is, as you grow and go through different seasons and changes in your life, one of those changes involves how you relate with your friends.
At times, you’ll promote a friend. Like, let’s say you weren’t close before, but now you are and hold them in higher regard.
At times, you’ll demote a friend. You once held them in high regard, but because of something that happened or you just grew apart, you won’t completely cut them off, but they will have limited access to you.
At times, it’s time to bring out the scissors or other tools, lol, and cut off that friend, completely out of your life. Maybe due to their toxicity, or due to the friendship fizzling out naturally.
Which tool will you choose to cut off? 🤣
It’s up to you to choose how you will categorize your friendships as the seasons change. Just pray for discernment and wisdom to make the right choices, and do it with grace.
No need to burn bridges unnecessarily.
4. Allow each other to evolve
Speaking of changes.
One of the things you need to realize is that you are not the only one going through this life thing.
You are not the only one changing and trying to navigate adulthood. Your friends are too.
Therefore, you need to allow them to change and evolve, in the same way, that you are changing and evolving.
It is important to be flexible and understanding of the headspace and season your friend may be in. The last thing you want to do is force them to do things that they’ve outgrown or don’t interest them anymore.
Allow each other to grow, flourish, try different things, walk different paths, and support along the way.
Move by faith knowing that if your friendship is meant to last, it will last, amid all the changes.
5. Be intentional, make an effort
You see the same way romantic relationships need work, friendships do too.
And, as you grow older, get busier, and have more responsibility, there will be a greater need for intentionality.
Your friend will not be perfect, because nobody is perfect. But if they make a genuine effort to see you, hang out, converse with you, care and support you in the ways they can, appreciate them and hold them close. Such are rare to find.
You also should extend the same. Make an effort, support, and show up.
If you want to attract intentional friends, start by being one.
6. Say what you need to say, like today
Words are powerful. And you never know what an encouraging word to your friend may do for them. So, sometimes, put the pride aside, risk embarrassment and cringe.
Let your friends know how much they mean to you, tell them you love them, tell them they’re doing great, tell them they’re beautiful/handsome, pray for them (like don’t just say you’ll pray, actually pray), send them an encouraging word.
I have realized, that for personal reasons, our friends may choose to keep certain things they’re going through to themselves. Not because they don’t trust you enough to tell you, but because they just choose to. So, speak life to them. You never know what it would mean to them.
All in all, I believe that good friendships do exist, and there are some awesome people all over the world would be exceptional friends with you.
If you’ve had bad experiences in friendships, I am sending you hugs. I pray you may not get so cynical toward friendships that you miss out on forming other relationships with amazing people.
I also pray that you may have heightened discernment and the clarity to know who is really for you and who is not, The courage to face and accept the truth, and the wisdom to know what to do going forward.
I also pray that you may learn to be a good friend.
At the end of the day, you can’t control what others do to you, but you can control what you do to others. Choose to be a good friend.
All right then that’s all for me for today’s post.
Thank you so much for reading through and feel free to share your thoughts in the comments or reach out to me via my socials.
I’ll see you on the next one!
Xoxo,
BK.
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