Every season has core lessons to learn, that will be essential to carry into the next season of life. Here are ten lessons I learned while single.
Hello guys and welcome to today’s blog post! Today’s post is a pretty interesting one. I remember getting this idea when I was on my commute from work, and excitedly getting on my notes app, and just typing away. I’m excited to share the lessons I have learned in my seasons of singleness, because they are so many, so essential and so helpful to any of you out there, currently going through such a season.
P.S. Whether or not I am single, isn’t the point of this post, let’s just focus on the lessons, teehee.
Anyway, when single, I learned…
1. To enjoy my own company
Even when you have a partner, they have a life of their own, and thus will not spend every waking moment with you, and neither will you with them. Therefore, it is important to be okay with being alone sometimes and even enjoying that alone time. Some of my favorite ways to spend some quality time alone include;
Going on a solo date like having a meal and a drink in a restaurant by myself.
Reading an interesting book, and getting lost in the story, by myself.
Doing my skincare and shower routine at night, by myself.
Once you are done with your alone time, you’ll be even more excited to spend time with your partner because you have missed them.
2. To get clear about my purpose
They usually say that two of the most important days in a person’s life are;
When they were born
When they find out why they were born.
I can clearly remember that day, back in campus when I realized what I wanted to do with my life. Over time, I have gotten clear on it, and it’s helped me to get clear on the kind of person I'd want to spend the rest of my life with. Someone who has the capacity to go the distance, one who has hunger and ambition for more, one who’s clear on their purpose too, so we complement each other.
When you get clear about your purpose, it sets you up to correctly choose the person who’s in alignment with you. You want to be with someone on a similar journey with you, with the same vision and goals that you have. If you aren’t clear on your purpose, then what criteria are you using to choose your partner? Food for thought.
3. To nurture my individuality and the things that make me, me. Basically having a life
I once heard someone say something that made me cackle;
He said something like; ‘why are you looking for a life partner, yet you don't have a life? Get a life first!’
But it’s true, when single, learn yourself and the things that make you, you. Get out there, find hobbies, build your skills, nurture your creativity, and just live! Life does not begin when you find your person. It already began when you were born, and it is happening even as we speak.
Some of the things that I'd say make me, me are;
Working out.
Reading books.
Trying new places, especially restaurants.
Shopping for clothes, especially when I am in the mood.
Talking walks.
Creating content.
Find things that make you, you, and as you do, you just might run into your person.
4. To have standards
Listennnn, having standards is one of the most fundamental things to have as a single person. I should have started with this one.
Regardless, having a set of standards for the person you’d like to be with, will give you a blueprint to look to as you navigate the dating world. When single, take time to make a list of your non-negotiables, boundaries, things you are willing to compromise on, your preferences, and such.
So that when you are ready, as you search for your person, you know exactly what you are looking for.
Also, having standards should challenge you to possess those standards as well so that you can be on the same wavelength as the person who meets those standards.
For example, if you want someone who is honest, are you honest yourself? Or are you living a secret life, and hiding even from yourself?
Have standards, become the standard, then look for the person who meets those standards.
5. To leverage my gifts into making money
In this past blog post called, 24 lessons at 24,(please check it out after this), the 24th lesson I shared is ‘Don’t chase the bag. Know your purpose, get into alignment and the bag (money) will follow.’
When single, it gave me time to explore different things, until I found my natural gift, which then opened the doors for more opportunities to make money.
I have a gift for writing, hence why I started this blog. About a year ago, I got an opportunity to become a freelance online content writer, which has allowed me to make an extra income to this day.
When single, you have loads of time. Use it wisely to find out what you are good at, work at it, and the money will come.
6. To create my boundaries
I have spoken about boundaries in the point about standards, and honestly, singleness taught me the importance of having boundaries.
In Nedra Tawwab’s book, ‘Set boundaries, find peace,’ she says that most of us don't have relationship problems, we have boundary problems.
When single, have boundaries, whether that’s physical, emotional, spiritual, or even material boundaries. Have limits to the level of access people have to you, it will protect you.
For example, a boundary you can have while single is you will not be texting a potential partner, let alone anybody, after ten p.m., because that’s your bedtime. Also, we both know that no constructive conversations happen after ten p.m lol.
7. To heal from past traumas
Our traumas, especially childhood, will be triggered the most in romantic relationships, trust me.
In order to have a healthy relationship in the future, make space during your single years to do a psychological assessment of yourself. Read books on psychology and trauma, do those personality tests, ask the people around you for feedback on how they perceive you, and check how you handle and react to certain situations.
When you get into a relationship, you will not only have your trauma triggered but will also have to deal with and accommodate your partner’s trauma and triggers. When single, take responsibility for your own, heal, and learn how to manage your triggers, so that you can do the same with your partner.
8. To acknowledge and honor my needs
For a long long long time, I used to suppress my needs and thought that they didn’t matter. With this mindset, I would accept breadcrumbs and the bare minimum, because I had this inherent belief that that was all I deserved. But, this is not the case anymore.
I had to rewire my mindset to one of abundance. I had to heal the parts of me that had internalized the thought that I deserved the bare minimum, in order to believe that someone somewhere, is more than ready and able to meet my needs and more.
Your needs are important, and you should be with someone who meets them or is ready to learn how to meet them. Also, when you learn to acknowledge, honor, and meet your needs yourself, it sets the standard for the kind of treatment that you will accept.
For example, in the past, I did not honor my needs, I thought they didn’t matter. So, what did I tolerate? Breadcrumbs and the bare minimum. For you to have your needs met, starts with you believing that they are worthy and important enough to be met.
9. To accept me
I learned to radically and completely accept myself, as I am, with my strengths and weaknesses. I learned to accept all parts of my body, from the top of my head to the tip of my toe.
I pray to God every day, that every time I look in the mirror, He reminds me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, despite how I am feeling about myself or my body that day.
When you learn to accept yourself, there is a certain confidence, yet humility that you will carry. You will be confident and bold in your strengths, yet humble enough to acknowledge your weakness and demonstrate a willingness to work on them.
Singleness gave me space to do that. I learned that before someone else accepts me, I need to accept me first. So that even when they don’t accept me, I have already accepted me as I am, so I’m good.
10. To build my confidence and self-worth
In my singleness, I learned to be confident and feel worthy, and have that confidence come from within, instead of always depending on other people to give it to me. I learned that if I am always depending on people to build up my confidence, then I will crumble at their criticism.
I learned to first have confidence in God, and even include practical ways in my life to enhance my confidence. Btw, I shared a bunch of ways you can build your confidence, check it out here pls. ;)
You can’t always seek external validation to make you feel confident. True and lasting confidence comes from the inside. It is not dependent on what is happening on the outside. I believe singleness can give you space to find and build that confidence from within so that despite what may be happening on the outside, or what people may be saying about you, your head is still held high.
And the bonus;
When single, I learned;
11. To grow closer to God
I would not be here sharing this wisdom if God hadn’t taken me through certain seasons or spaces. I wouldn’t know these things if I hadn’t gone through the trenches, and saw God literally lift me up from some incredibly dark seasons, and heal the places I was hurting.
So, in your singleness, seek the Lord. His Word says seek, and you shall find. Seek, and know God for yourself. You need Him.
That’s all I got for today. My hope is that you have learned something, and been inspired. Don’t forget to like, share and subscribe to my newsletter in the box below.
I’ll see you on the next one!
Xoxo,
BK.
So lovely girl 🥲-Rosa